From LOW LOW LOW LOW to Highs Unimaginable...

Lord, everyone seems stressed to the max and pulled in a million directions today. Its palpable. Oh I pray that we may slow down for a second, and find God in today- get centered.

Its so hard when Life hits us- fight of flight is ingrained in us---and we just react.

I want so for my reaction to be to fly to you, but if I am being authentically real...Its NOT.

My reaction to a stressor is almost always fight or flight-anxiety, freak out, then try and solve on my own-flailing about, grasping at straws...until you whisper Stop...until I STOP, until I enter your sanctuary.

Time to get REAL-

Friends, I have had some LOW LOW days..in different ways than some of ya’ll---

no busy craziness for me.

just lots of STILLNESS, lots of alone time, lots of physical pain, lots of emotional pain, feelings of loosing footing…

I have been feeling like a failure-trying to figure out how to grieve the loss of old me, accept the new me- the me with fibromyalgia- not being able to do my mom and wife duties ( as I see them)...fight with a hubbie who I see feeling overwhelmed with responsibility..who isn’t feeling respected..who I take out my frustrations on so easily-who I boss so easily, nag… Yep, thats me, my messy bared.

Then God sends me this reminder, these bible stories, verses-

I  lie here in bed, in a lot of pain, yet with a great big smile inside- feeling full to overflowing from my studying with God’s Word this am--so much so I am led to share.

It's a simple formula..and its all about perspective

 I have recently accepted that I have been holding in anger, self-hatred even, very self-directed,but it spills out on those I love. Snapping too easily, thinking of self too easily, and woe is me attitudes. I haven't like myself much, and I blame myself so easily, get down on myself.I mess up. I, (notice all the I's) well, I don't feel I measure up to who I should be, where I should be in the Lord, in my sanctification....in my walk.the old saying one step forward, three steps back seems to befitting of me.But a dear friend gently reminded me that its not about me, its not about how good a christian I am, or how far I am in my sanctification process...Its just that. Its a process. It takes time, it takes my whole life, and its not measured. Its about perspective here. I need to change mine...I need to stop circling the mountain and turn NORTH! (Deuteronomy?) I will never be good enough, or the perfect christian, or mom, or wife, or friend. Its not possible. I am a sinner saved by Grace-but its HIS doing, HIS timing, HIS! not me!!!!

Read this quote below that my sweet sweet friend Kris shared with me-knowing I needed it. Its amazing. Life changing kind-of amazing.

It’s a simple formula:

Be Still...and Run the Marathon

My mind has been reeling...in a good way...thoughts on top of thoughts, digging deep, standing on solid ground and praising, questioning and finding clarifications...

I know have mentioned that I am trying to learn to BE STILL--find joy and thanks in being STILL, slowing down

BUT also to do what the Lord asks of me.

These seem two separate worlds, how do I merge them??????

How to Be with someone in The RAW moments...(God doesn't give you more than you can Handle part 2)

Ok, well the next post finally...

Back to the SUBJECT OF- God doesn't give us more than we can handle-this is a follow up to the above post- if you didn't read the first one this will make more sense if you go back to it first.

Please never use that when someone in in greif.....As a hospice nurse for years I learned that when someone is in a RAW worst moment of their life, platitudes like

--God doesn't give us more than we can handle--

and others often used ARE SO THE WRONG THING....

Ever wondered what to do, what to say???

NOTHING. Yes, NOTHING.

YOU LISTEN. and LISTEN.

ask questions that only allow them to talk. 

JUST BE There in THE RAW EMOTION with them.

Its ok to cry with them.

My formula is generally LISTEN, LISTEN...ask if I can read some scripture and PRAY...and my prayer generally only focuses on asking GOD to wrap his arms around them, that they may feel his presence, that He will bring strength and PEACE than may only come from HIM....thats it.....

its hard to just listen...I am a fixer. I just am.

It was hard to learn to step back, to not try and give comforting words, thoughts...to not "FIX". God taught me through HOSPICE to just BE THERE, to listen, even cry with, and to always offer to pray and read HIS WORD. Even those clients that were non believers almost always said yes that I could pray with them.

and now where I am, living with this "invisible illness"-fibromyalgia. I often get platitudes.

People either don't believe it...or they care, want to help, mean well but don't know what to say. I am living it from the other side a bit now...and I am not used to it yet. Its hard to be hurt, its hard when people don't understand, are ignorant or rude, even mean...

BUT...in the questioning, the wrestling with God I am learning, I am growing in HIM, in my walk with Him...and thats what this life is all about- my sanctification process, learning to Walk with FAITH, to act Justly, Love MERCY and Walk HUMBLY with my God. Learning to be THANKFUL in EVERYTHING, to FIND JOY IN EVERYTHING...I truly am learning these thing and can be thankful "even in".....

ok long post.... Just something I am passionate about  and as  I wrestle, I write...its just how I work...I felt called to post this one, to share my heart.

GOD WILL NEVER GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE...BULLCRAP!

RAW GRIEF

As many of you know, I have struggled with my health for years now. As I have struggled, my famliy has struggled- emotionally, physically, financially....

I have wrestled with GOD, I have asked hard questions, I still do.

WHY ME?

WHY NOT TAKE THIS FORM ME?

Why do you let me loose my first baby before I even meet him? Why not knit him together in my womb?

Why do you let me suffer in agony for 9 months, doctors telling me its in my head.....why so long to find the doctor who could help?

Why when we finally feel on our feet again, when I am planning to go back to school and become a midwife, my dream job, do you allow me to get hurt at work--for the carpet to come out from under us again?

Why the Fibromyalgia?

Why doctors who don't seem to believe the pain, who want to under medicate-- all the physical pain…

Why can’t I be the MOM, the WIFE, the NURSE, THE PERSON I  used to be- the ME I LIKED.

I have been truly struggling with my identity- the achey body, the lethargy, the brain fog- just to name a few--- I can't be a NURSE with this body.

That is  who I AM....

I defined myself as a wife, a mother, and a NURSE.

I feel like I am unable to be who I was.....and can't find who I AM.

I FLOUNDER, I FEEL RAW,

I FEEL LIKE I AM CAUGHT IN A HUGE WAVE-tumbling and tumbling, grasping for to find my foothold, to find air.

There are days when I feel calm, at peace, accepting of THE RAIN, the STORMS than I have prayed to God to allow if it brings me closer to HIM. YES I PRAYED THIS PRAYER, and I STILL DO.

I TRUST GOD. I KNOW HE IS SOVEREIGN and ALL IS FOR HIS GOOD.

BUT...

Is it ok to be on the soccer field on Sunday morning?

There is this big controversy in the CHURCH about CHURCH VS SPORTS- how we may be harming our athletic kids by allowing sports on Sunday.
I struggle with this. Am I damaging my athlete in the long run? I have to be honest and say that I have struggled with this. My husband and I have prayed on this, and we have a conclusion....but I have never been brave enough to share.I know friends who do no agree with me within my church,and thats ok.

Today I went back and asked myself again, and I wrote my response....
IS IT OK TO BE ON THE SOCCER FIELD ON SUNDAY? I SAY YES....

If I could do it all over, would I have Kids?????

WOW, its been since 2011 since I have written hear, time has flown, we have had more ups than downs, but truly some major storms have and are brewing.....
I have been asking some hard questions in my journal, and writing out my thoughts...questions I can' say I haven't thought of, but have been afraid to put a true voice to....

Question 1--- If I could do it all over, would I have kids???