Monday, September 27, 2010

Reflections

Its the middle of the night and I am up, once again, unable to sleep through the night. I think there could be a myriad of reasons one could come up with to diagnose my insomnia, but nevertheless here she is, rearing her ugly head, disturbing my other wise, well I guess otherwise also troubled life at the moment.

1. I don't sleep because its the only time I am truly alone, alone with my thoughts,my dreams, my Lord.  Could the answer be that easy?
2. I don't sleep due to the pain in my left hip, and the desire to know what in the world is causing this pain that came out of no where and chose to set up residence in my hip ,much against my will I must say,
3. I simply cannot sleep due to the pain I feel constantly in the a for mentioned Left hip.
4. What If? Two words, but with such meaning. Is this what really keeps me up despite the drugs that I am popping.

If I am honest, I think its one and four. I know there are nights when in reality I really cannot sleep because prescription drugs fail to work correctly, and the pain is real and it keeps me up. But truly, what goes through my mind at these times are the What ifs, and Whys and What am I going to do about this.
This is a time I am completely alone, everyone else is sleeping soundly.
I could choose to spend it in the word of God, in meditation with Him, in prayer. Mostly I choose blind numbing TV watching were I get the opportunity to engage in nothing at all. I stray away from the what ifs in this way. I feel I am scared to examine, to look deeper, so I continue to take the easy way out almost every time.
What does this say about me? 
TONIGHT YOU SEE, i AM SCARED. i AM SCARED FOR MY HEALTH.
yet ANOTHER HEALTH Issue HAS COME UP AND i DON'T KNOW THE DIAGNOSIS NOR THE TREATMENT  AT THIS TIME. i AM UP TONIGHT DUE TO FEAR, BUT AM REMINDED THROUGH THE WONDERFUL SAVING GRACE OF GOD OUR FATHER TO REMAIN STEAD FAST AND STRONG IN THE LORD. My GO TO VERSE WHEN i AM FEELING OVERWHELMED CAME STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD AND FOR THIS i AM SO THANKFUL.
"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast because he TRUSTS in You"-Isiah 26:3
So we pray for peace in our day to day lives, peace in times of uncertainty, peace in times of the unthinkable, because with God we can stand Steadfast.
-writing out my thoughts is often my way of meditating, spending time with my Lord, its the way I feel closet, the way for me to think through my thoughts and to meditate over verse that have presented to me to ruminate on.........












1 comment:

  1. I am glad to see you blogging again...even if it is in the middle of the night:( I am sorry you are still in so much pain. I will be praying for you and that He will take that pain away.

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