Saturday, June 21, 2014

GOD WILL NEVER GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE...BULLCRAP!

RAW GRIEF
As many of you know, I have struggled with my health for years now. As I have struggled, my famliy has struggled- emotionally, physically, financially....
I have wrestled with GOD, I have asked hard questions, I still do.
WHY ME?
WHY NOT TAKE THIS FORM ME?
Why do you let me loose my first baby before I even meet him? Why not knit him together in my womb?
Why do you let me suffer in agony for 9 months, doctors telling me its in my head.....why so long to find the doctor who could help?
Why when we finally feel on our feet again, when I am planning to go back to school and become a midwife, my dream job, do you allow me to get hurt at work--for the carpet to come out from under us again?
Why the Fibromyalgia?
Why doctors who don't seem to believe the pain, who want to under medicate-- all the physical pain…
Why can’t I be the MOM, the WIFE, the NURSE, THE PERSON I  used to be- the ME I LIKED.
I have been truly struggling with my identity- the achey body, the lethargy, the brain fog- just to name a few--- I can't be a NURSE with this body.
That is  who I AM....
I defined myself as a wife, a mother, and a NURSE.
I feel like I am unable to be who I was.....and can't find who I AM.
I FLOUNDER, I FEEL RAW,
I FEEL LIKE I AM CAUGHT IN A HUGE WAVE-tumbling and tumbling, grasping for to find my foothold, to find air.


There are days when I feel calm, at peace, accepting of THE RAIN, the STORMS than I have prayed to God to allow if it brings me closer to HIM. YES I PRAYED THIS PRAYER, and I STILL DO.
I TRUST GOD. I KNOW HE IS SOVEREIGN and ALL IS FOR HIS GOOD.
BUT...