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| RAW GRIEF |
I have wrestled with GOD, I have asked hard questions, I still do.
WHY ME?
WHY NOT TAKE THIS FORM ME?
Why do you let me loose my first baby before I even meet him? Why not knit him together in my womb?
Why do you let me suffer in agony for 9 months, doctors telling me its in my head.....why so long to find the doctor who could help?
Why when we finally feel on our feet again, when I am planning to go back to school and become a midwife, my dream job, do you allow me to get hurt at work--for the carpet to come out from under us again?
Why the Fibromyalgia?
Why doctors who don't seem to believe the pain, who want to under medicate-- all the physical pain…
Why can’t I be the MOM, the WIFE, the NURSE, THE PERSON I used to be- the ME I LIKED.
I have been truly struggling with my identity- the achey body, the lethargy, the brain fog- just to name a few--- I can't be a NURSE with this body.
That is who I AM....
I defined myself as a wife, a mother, and a NURSE.
I feel like I am unable to be who I was.....and can't find who I AM.
I FLOUNDER, I FEEL RAW,
I FEEL LIKE I AM CAUGHT IN A HUGE WAVE-tumbling and tumbling, grasping for to find my foothold, to find air.
There are days when I feel calm, at peace, accepting of THE RAIN, the STORMS than I have prayed to God to allow if it brings me closer to HIM. YES I PRAYED THIS PRAYER, and I STILL DO.
I TRUST GOD. I KNOW HE IS SOVEREIGN and ALL IS FOR HIS GOOD.
BUT...
I wrestle still....
I was wrestling with this last night in the bathtub, reading in the Gospel Coalition....
The phrase, the platitude so misused---
GOD WILL NEVER GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE.....I HAVE TO SAY BULL. JUST BULL, BULL, BULL.
there is something SIMILAR in 1 Corinthisan 10:13.14
No TEMPATION has seized you except what is common to man. An GOd is faithful, He will not let you be TEMPTED beyond what you can bear. But when you are TEMPTED, he will always provide a way out so you can stand up under it.
Still one of my all time favs, but it bothers me that is gets so MISQUOTED. I think in many christian churches, dare I say even mine, there are many platitudes when GRIEF,
MAJOR TRAUMAS, SHOCKING DEATHS occur...
We don't know what to say to the MOM who just lost her son, To the Husband whose wife lies dying of cancer....
We believe in a SOVEREIGN GOD.We believe EVERYTHING has a purpose for HIS GOOD.
So in our grief, in watching others grieve- we are at a loss....and the platitudes come out.
Even in our GRIEF everything must be neat and orderly, we placate, we STUFF it IN, we SKIP actually GOING THERE to feeling the raw gut wrenching emotion,
BEING IN IT,
asking the HARD QUESTIONS, and ultimately seeking how/where to go.
and
YES ULTIMATELY ALL IS GOOD, EVERYTHING IS WELL IN GOD IN THE END.
BUT.....
BUT….
We live in a BROKEN world, full of TRAGEDIES, LOSSES, Unimaginable PAINS.
THE TRUTH IS HE ALLOWS the bottom to fall out sometimes, He allows storms.
GOD DOES GIVE MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE,
again, and again, and again…
THE RAIN...THE STORMS....
but the deal is, there is HOPE!!!! Through HIS GRACE
He is there to take over, to lean on when its too much.....in the TOO MUCH we learn hard lessons that NO we CAN’t handle it, we NEED His STRENGTH...
WE LEARN THAT WE NEED HIM.
and I have learned its ok to be RAW, to BE in the emotion, to QUESTION GOD.To even be ANGRY.
GOD IS A BIG GOD, HE CAN HANDLE IT. HE WANTS us to bring EVERY EMOTION to HIM.
If we are wrestling, if we are asking whys, then we are TALKING TO HIM!! even if its in anger, its still a conversation- He wants that, HE WANTS TO USE IT TO GROW US.-to further our sanctification process.
So when I think WHY ME? WHY NOT TAKE THIS FROM ME? WHY?WHY? WHY? IT is ok... ITS BIBLICAL, ITS HEALTHY.......and if we keep asking, we grow closer to Him.
WE many not know the answer ever, or maybe years later looking back we SEE it- and we will say WOW- He provided, and I grew through that time. I am a different me now.
So please never use THAT when someone in in grief.....
(tomorrow I will post a follow up, talking about How we handle loved ones and friends in the darkest times...I have learned a lot is this area as a Hospice nurse and feel called to share)
My prayer for you is that the Holy Spirit will answer your questions through meditation, dreams or life signs that you can recognize. I truly believe that things we cannot control ourselves are guided by our Creator for reasons we may never know. Think about some of what you've spoken here: the baby is being cradled by your heavenly family while you nurture those that are on Earth. Perhaps God took him to be an angel on your shoulder in times of question and despair...feel him there. God has not given you more than you can handle, for the moment that occurs, God will rip you from this world so you do not have to suffer. Think of our savior. Jesus, weak and dehydrated, was made to carry a cross so heavy and suffer in the sun as life left his body. God didn't bring him home....He sent Him to Hell to see true suffering and then ripped Him away from this world to sit with Him. To provide the relief at the point where He need suffer no more. There will come a time where all the questions in your heart will receive answers. I know your life has changed in a way that has you frustrated beyond what you believe you can handle. Find your inner strength through God and all the blessings you behold. If you do not move forward you will never have inner peace. This is the life you've been given. There is a reason. Asking why will not bring you peace. You can redefine who you are within the limitations of your physical body. In doing so, you do not have to throw away who you are or who you were. I know you can...you are so much stronger that you think.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I agree with much of what u said....I am moving forward. ..but yes I struggle. Your word were encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! Luv u
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