Friday, May 2, 2014

If I could do it all over, would I have Kids?????

WOW, its been since 2011 since I have written hear, time has flown, we have had more ups than downs, but truly some major storms have and are brewing.....
I have been asking some hard questions in my journal, and writing out my thoughts...questions I can' say I haven't thought of, but have been afraid to put a true voice to....

Question 1--- If I could do it all over, would I have kids???

There is so much pain and sadness in this world, famine, war, rape, child abuse, cancer, long term illness,bullies, drug, alcohol, and sex even in middle schools..... IT IS SO SCARY.
I have fibrromyalgia, and in the last years, really 5 years I have had illness after illness leading up to the fibro.
I feel like I fail my kids over and over...I spend so much time in pain, in the bed, missing things..I raise my voice, I don't always set the perfect example, I am not the mom I had in my mind I would be.

Kids having to watch a mom suffer
where how are you feeling today is the normal first question of a seven year old
where my 10 year old wakes me each morning with coffee, full of concern and love
where a husband works himself to the bone to do it ALL as I often can't contribute
where a world is full of EVIL and CORRUPTION--
then I read HIS WORD, and HE said yes. His son SUFFERED, and he said yes. He chose to do it, allow it- the raw pain, the impossible realities- God allows it.
SO YES- I would do it again- truthfully on two levels.
Selfishly- I cannot imagine life without them,even as they grow and I learn I cannot shelter them from it all, that I shouldn't even shelter them from it all. I wont' be able to make it all better every time....but God made them. He chose me to be THESE EXACT KID'S MOM.
They are shaping me as much as, MAYBE MORE than I am shaping them.
I prayed years ago, right here on this blog, for God to BRING THE RAIN, to shape me and mold me and bring me to HIM, to glorify HIM more. THIS RAIN- this HURRICANE, God allowed it, so I am not failing my kids by being ill, by my fibromyalgia and all its limitations, NO!!!!! HE IS USING EVEN THIS, in my life, in my marriage, and in my KIDS.

The LORD delights in those who fear HIM(hate evil) who put their faith in HIS UNFAILING LOVE
-Psalm 147:11

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him and He delivers them- Psalm 34:7

The LORD is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life, who shall I fear -Psalm 27:1

Though he slay me, yet I will HOPE IN HIM...Job 13:15


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